At My Lowest

I have been so high the thought of being low never crossed my mind. There is a saying "when you are wining who thinks about loosing"
No one on top ever takes time to think about being on the bottom. We like winning, we all do. No one wants to loose but the sad reality is we all loose, no one is immune to the pain of a great lose. I often reflect on the best times of my life, at a point where I even thought it just couldn't get better than this. The thing is life is full of ups and downs. I have been the presence of men who have it all, the fancy things and clothes but they cant even remember the last time they went home because they have non. You see we all loose, in some form or shape be it monetary, emotional, physical or what have you. The honest truth is no other person can wear your shoes better than you can, even if they think they can. We have all been given enough. I have traveled and seen a lot in my 20 something odd years in this world and I can tell you for certain that we all loose.

I'm at a point in my life right now where it seems like I loose all the time. Like everything i touch just comes crashing down, i find it hard to breath at times I have to get away and just go to the mountains and be at peace before i have to come back down and deal with it all. Every time i loose i get stronger and tougher. Every time I get disappointed I become harder, a strong shell, it takes a lot to break me now. I am ready for the next chapter in my life.

You might be loosing in some aspect of your life at the moment. You may be feeling like life is leaving you behind. Like your the last one to cross the finish line. I want to tell you this it takes great courage to dust your self of and try again, people like us are strong, we don't scare easily, we don't break down easily, we stand tall and try again because we know greater is He in us than the one in the world. We might loose often but when we win, we win for life.

Why we always go back.....

Why would you voluntarily accept someone back in your life knowing very well that they bring only pain and headache.
They make you suffer love.
Every time you tell people that you are in a relationship you know it is a lie because of the price you pay daily to have that person in your life.
Why put yourself in such a mess just to be with someone.
We have become to absent in even our own lives that we are not even satisfied with our self
always searching always planning for the next one.
Most of us are in many relationships at the same time, this is what I mean
you have your so called main and a few others just in case things go bad at home you have others who will take over at a moments notice and you see no shame in such behavior.
We demean our self in order to create a sense of ownership by having all these multi relationships at the same time so we can feel more important because we have alot of people telling us that they love us and we never have to feel lonely or unwanted.
There is always someone who is just a phone call a phone call away to help relieve our loneliness.
I belive most people can't even remember the last time they were not dating or belonged to someone.
We always have to have next, we have people who are on stand by we have people that when our partners have said no, we know they will say yes out of a pure desire to be with us
they will do as we please until they also become unsatisfied with us that they now begin to say no and so likewise we move on to the next one who will say yes.

Baby Mama And A Condom

The challenge I feel is that the things I go gaga over are things you have experienced and have no interest in them whatsoever, the baby to me just made a pooo pooo and to you the baby just made a mess. I want us to experience the baby teething, learning how to walk, eating a lemon for the first time and so on.
I am not against dating a single mom, no not at all. I have dated one or two and it's always tricky when you meet their child for the first time and the kid does something stupid and you wanna correct them, I have this nightmare that the kid is just gonna look at me straight in the eyes and yell " You are not my father so you can't tell me what to do" as rude as what the child is saying it's actually true, you have no authority to tell them what and what not to do, so this kinda splits your relationship with the child apart. You want to be in his mom's life and he wants you to respect his dominion, I mean you just came out of nowhere, the child doesn't know who you are and doesn't owe you anything.
I know some idiot will say there are always challenges in relationships but my point here is that this particular challenge could have been prevented. I am not a parent but any man who deserts his child is as useful as an empty wallet. I love children, I really do and I believe children deserve the best out of life as a parent it is your duty to make sure you give them the best of you financially and otherwise.

I love single moms if for no other reason is that they are super independent , they never ask you for anything all they want is your attention and you know lol. Regardless of my rampage no child is a mistake, every child is a precious gift from up above, all i'm advocating for is responsible young adults who are able to wait and do right by their so called "Bae" and babies. Let us all learn to take responsibility for our actions. one common thing I have gathered when asking single moms what happened is this (according to me, I mean this is my blog after all) they say that as they were dating these man , a week in or month or so the guy started not using condoms anymore and they just let him because they thought he had a plan since they were having unprotected sex that the guy knew what he was doing and he had a direction for the relationship.
I will just leave it there since I don't know much about relationships and stuff like that. I mean I am single after all but that scenario up there is just plain crazy!!

25 Reasons Why We Cheat

Seems like the number one issue most women have with men is us Cheating on them. How are we going to solve this and prevent more broken homes.

Why do we cheat? It is easy and in abundance. Seriously, back in the day when someone said they were in a relationship most people walked away instantly right after that and didnt proceed to say or do anything further. When you knew she was married you walked on the opposite side of the road. Seems like these days it is a trophy for people to sleep around with people in a relationship. We made cheating cool. People even call themselves side dishes without any issues. For some people who have busy lives being the side dish seems more interesting as it leaves them more time to do other things but have someone to call on to when the night is cold and they need some warmth. We demand more commitment from our jobs than we do from our relationships.

Here are the top 25 Reasons Why We Cheat.

Inability to say no
To boost our ego
Peer Pressure
To end the relationship
Because you let us
We view it as a status symbol
To satisfy our sexual orientation
To see what it’s like to have sex with someone else.
Because we know we can get away with it
Opportunistic sex.
A Sense Of Entitlement
We figure you'll never find out
To prove our manhood
The thrill of the chase
"He’s a player"
We know you’ll take us back
Love
Poor role models 
To participate in certain sex acts
The influence of drugs or alcohol
Cultural reasons
To see if we still “got it.”
We know you’ll put up with our cheating
Revenge

Sex addiction

Are You Ready For A Blessing?

We dream, well most us dream.
We pray and pray some more and fast, well we try to fast for our dreams to come true but in all honesty most of us are not ready for our dreams to be a reality. Let me tell you a little story first.

Once upon a time in a far away land lived a young man who had devoted his whole life to the Lord. As the years went by he got old and came to a decision that he was now very old and wanted to retire. This now old man of God was naturally well off spiritually but he didn't have much money so he decided to ask God to let him win the lottery. He prayed on it for the first month or 3 and nothing happened. A year went by then 2 years past. He in anger shouted to the Lord " Help me win the lotto" and then to his surprise God answered and said: Buy a ticket!!

A lot of us have been knocking in so many doors for so long. A lot of us have been hoping and dreaming of great things to happen in our lives but my question to you is are you ready? Seriously if all your prayers got answered today, right now would you be able to handle them? Ok let's go back to the basics I will give a typical example of the things most people pray for. A young man prays for a beautiful wife, my question to the young man is: Are you ready for commitment? Can you provide for your family? Look at that young beautiful wife of yours are you ready to wakeup next to her till your last dying breath?
To the young woman who prays for a husband: Can you cook? Are you willing to submit yourself to your husband? Will you take care of that man and cherish him?

Look It's all good and well to pray for "Things" but be honest with yourself if the Lord gave you the things you want today are you ready for them?

The Duality Of Life

I want to be rich, I want to end world hunger

I want to be a player, I want to be faithful to a single woman

I want to have wild crazy weekends, I want to go to church on Sunday

I want to eat food that I want, I want to eat healthy

I want to commit, I want to play

I often have this dual dialog in my head about the things I want and how to go about achieving them. I have seen educated man and woman die poor. And I have seen stupid fools accumulate wealth and buying fancy toys. I have seen fathers who have many children and yet they have no responsibility at all. Don't get me wrong any tom dick and harry can send a certain amount of money to take care of their child, that is easy. Where are the fathers who actually see their children growing up and not just spend some weekends with them and take alot of pictures to show us on Facebook. I am very angry at woman and more so at man who leave their seeds behind and make things difficult for us to come and make a home with these woman. Back in the days all I knew was that people who had children were the ones that were married but things have changed.

At some point even thou Tradition seems primitive it  had it's purpose and gave us a sense of direction. Firstly I still believe in marriage and I think it is a beautiful thing and I for one cannot wait until I get married "Hopefully lol"  I say hopefully because in this life time you can never really know. Call me arrogant or whatever makes you feel better about the decisions that have led you to the life you are leading. One of the fundamental things for a child is a sense of belonging. I dont see the healthiness in a child growing up believing their grandmother is their mother and their aunt is their little sister. We need to start taking responsibilities for the decisions that we make. I am not a saint by any means but what is wrong is wrong even if it is popular.

My First 10km Marathon.

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon."

Emil Zatopek

I usually Run 5km on Saturday's early in the morning, that is if I had a sober friday night which happens but does not happen as often as i would like. I do the 5km in about 00:33.15. Let's say I average 33 minutes and if I am having a good run I can go under 30 minutes, that only happens if I didn't even touch a wink of alcohol for that week preceding the run. Great Run Africa was where I lost my marathon virginity. My very first 10km and I finished it at 01:10:25. Like I told a friend in my defence I could have had a better time but the organisers decided to give us a steep hill from Mars!!

The Marathon began and ended at the beautiful Union Buildings in Pretoria.

A Lot has been said of how sports brings us together and for a very long time to me it was just a quote like any other, It didn't really hit home until I experienced the depth behind the statement. So I went to the marathon alone, I even woke up early because I was so excited I just wanted to run run run....... 

As the race began I paced myself  like how I would normally run my 5km, as the race progressed I found myself running behind and infront of a lot of people till we got to about 2 km or so I saw the gentleman in the picture above he was running behind me and i thought i was blocking his way so made space and told him he can pass me, he responded by saying he was pacing himself using me so i thought cool the more reason to keep this pace and so on we went with a 3rd guy but he later deserted us because just after 6 km we both felt our knees giving up and he still had energy, so on he went. I was too tired but I couldn't stop as I was leading and didn't want to slow him down but nature gave in and I stumbled and walked a bit so did he and we got a chance to talk about the race and motivate each other to keep going. We rested for a while and in as much as we were both tired and felt like walking the whole way we both agreed we were gonna go for it and so we did. We crossed the finish line together and I just felt a need to ask him for a picture so I can remember it and he obliged as you can see above.

My Lost Pair Of Socks

I have never really wanted much out of life.
Just food to eat, water to drink, good health and a little bit of money to buy some beers over the weekend. For a majority of my life this has been my life philosophy and it has kept me humble and "poor" if I may say so myself. It is often said the biggest obstacle in your life is the person staring back at you but in retrospect I am very happy with the way things are. I have more than enough to eat and I have more than to drink. Life, happened whilst I was busy being ignorant of the ways things are. In my world, the world where I exist, people my age buy cars, have wives and are looking into starting to pay up a bond. Some are parents some are just plain messed up but it is what it is.

You know when you have 20 pairs of socks and on one of the pairs 1 sock goes missing, you are now stuck with that one sock. Even though you want to throw it away you just keep it because maybe just maybe you might find the other pair one day. I am that lost pair of socks, it feels as though a part of me has gone missing and I don't even know where to go looking for it.

So here I am going out to buy the 20th pair of socks and throwing away that naughty 1 sock. You know the funniest thing I have found is being surrounded by thousands of people and feeling all alone.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

Every Man Stands Alone At The ATM

For me being a fully productive and responsible adult the biggest challenge I had to face was "Acceptance"
Acceptance in term of my finances, my household, my lifestyle my general well being
Just like most people I always reached for far more than I can handle
Always had a need to grab and take on more than I could handle
You know, that nice R800 jean or those 1000 something designer shoes, labels in general.
And in doing so I got myself in a bit of debt, seemed like the month became just way too long lately and month end can't come too soon
The shitty part is "Money in, Money out" is the game you get to learn in your adulthood
Growing up when I asked for R100 from my parents and they told me they didn't have money and 2 hours later they come back with fruits and cool drinks I didn't understand why they would deny me some cash only to come back with a grocery receipt showing a few hundreds rands has been spent.
A hundred rand start to mean different things the older you get and more responsibilities you have. I have learn't when someone says I am broke when you ask them for money its not that they don't have money , well they do they just don't have money for you, period.
So in the recent months I started looking at the man in the mirror and I really saw him and he saw me. This one time I came up with this quote" Every man stands alone at the ATM" It still resounds in my head many years later it has a new and a redefined meaning in my life.

In retrospect I could have made a few better decisions and paid up some accounts on time then maybe just maybe I wouldn't have been in this current situation. That is how most people reason on the subject but I have come to accept my situation and I have come up with a plan to get back on track financially within the next few months.

Here is how I am doing it.

- Find out how much you owe in total
- Find out how many accounts/debits you have
- Calculate how much of your salary actually goes to your accounts and debits monthly

 The hard part now begins.

- Pay double instalments
- Stop taking anymore clothes or anything
- Really stop it, if you can't whatever you take at the shop pay a 50% of the price
- When you get sales calls stop the call right there and then because more you listen the sweeter the pitch

Living To Work. Working To Live.

The most common day of the week for a heart attack to occur is Monday. Saturday ranks second. Most heart attacks hit during the early morning hours between 4-10 a.m. In the average lifetime, the heart beats 2.5 billion times. Neck circumference may be as important a risk factor as abdominal fat for predicting a heart attack. Scary stuff hey, no wonder why everybody hates Monday morning.

As a bachelor I count my fortune and success in life by the amount of things my money can buy me, all the crazy awesome expensive weekends I will probably never remember, all the drinks I buy for those hot drunk girls whom I will never see again and that is the fun part. Crazy right. I for one have no feelings about Mondays one way or the other. And oh ya girl stop ordering those drinks because they not free, damn you already drunk, I don't know where that comes from but when some woman at the realisation that they have a 9/10 possibility of going home with you they will proceed to drink your pocket away and quite frankly I am cool with that as long as we both know what is up.

Yes Living To Work. Working To Live. You know the default question that your teachers and your family members always ask you when growing up. What do you want to be when you grow up?
We are told about destiny, dreaming big, working hard, never giving up, striving for success and all the good stuff. It's a lie, It's a fad, an illusion that we have been given to live up to, something to keep us so busy that we lose our critical thinking ability and focus on other matters. It is reported
"The richest 1% of the world’s population are getting wealthier, owning more than 48% of global wealth,  which warned growing inequality could be a trigger for recession." 

As you can see the playing field is not level at all. The South African middle class are racking it in and living a better life decade to decade making and earning a bit more yearly and affording more and more as time elapses compared to their lower class counterpart. Many of you might have seen in the news lately about all the looting and municipal strikes that have been going on in the past couple of weeks and they are getting bigger and are more frequent than they were before. People are angry, there is a saying: A hungry man is a angry man.

Worse And Best Break Up Excuses

Dating is a headache and a half. Sometimes you meet someone who makes you feel happy and you look forward to spending each day with them. You can't wait to see them, you can't stop thinking about them, you just want to share all your time with them and sometimes things just end.


It's not you it's me - It's over and I don't really feel like explaining myself. Nice knowing you. It's harsh, short and sweet.

I can't do this anymore - Either your partner has found someone new or they are scared of something and just want to be left alone immediately.

I need space - I see you too much, this is not really a break up, the person just wants some space, call abit less and when you do visit leave a bit early and let them miss you, don't avail yourself too much

I need time to figure out what I want in life - They don't want you. Hit the bar drink your heartbreak away and get back on that horse buddy.

You are too good for me, you deserve better - Once in awhile you meet someone and you just can't believe they like you back. You can't believe that you just woke up next to them and it scars you. So you end the dream before they end it for you.

We can't see each other anymore , I'm getting married - All I have to say is sorry if you once were given this one, oooops, " utloba strong neh".

I love you but I'm not " in love" with you - This is like being in a coma, this excuse makes no sense whatsoever. I love you but I'm not " in love" with you hahaha this is some BS!!

I'm not really over my ex, so it's not fair to you - This is a dual one, they may still be in love with their Ex's or you do certain things that remind them of their ex's or quiet simply they just want out of the relationship.

I'm not ready to be in a relationship - This happens when you have been on a couple of dates with someone and you just don't feel like it is going anywhere.

You're just to much more mature than me - Dating some people feels like you  are dating someone who wrote the "relationship bible", they know it all, they always have answers to everything and they are never wrong.

Our lives are going in different direction - This mostly happens when there is a change in careers and it's time to make a decision on if your are sticking with this person for life and you are just not ready to make that commitment

I can't give you all the things you deserve - Financially a person could be in a bad spot to give you and shower you with the things you deserve. It makes them sad when they see that you need something and they cannot provide it for you.

Silence. I think that is the best and worse excuse you can get. You know when your partner says nothing, does nothing, wants nothing, asks for nothing, all you get is just silence. I personally think that is the harshest one of them all.

The Art Of Assumptions

It was one of those fairytale story like relationships. Boy meets girl and yeah life goes on.
Weeks went by. The odd thing on both side was that we only saw each other every second week. I never really noticed this until about 3 months into the relationship. Even the way we called each other, we only talked during office hours and we both seem to never call each other in the evenings. And yet I always received my good morning texts without failure every time. Coming to think of it, she only came to my place from 08:00am and she left exactly at 16:00pm when she came over on the weekend. I mean regardless if it was raining, hot , even if we were in the middle of drink or food, that was our window period. I obviously didn't mind because I knew I can always make plans for later because she wouldn't be around any way.

Then just that particular night where I needed to sleep she called & told me she was outside my apartment, she claimed she was passing by  & thought to just visit me for a few minutes before she went to her house. It was then when I realized that I’ve never been to her place, I didn't even know how it was from mine and who she lived with. Our conversations never got that far, as I was about to ask how she got to my apartment late at night she broke down into tears. “I no longer have a place to stay” she was mumbling in the midst of her cry, when I saw them rolling down her eyes like dew on a window of an overloaded bus something said to me she needs to talk. I had to play the shrink, something I didn't expect from her since I had my own assumptions. First thing that came to my mind was coffee, it had to be the strongest I've ever made because I knew that’s how she likes it. As she was getting herself together & wiping her tears her phone rang, she just took a glance at it only once and didn't answer. I couldn't even ask why but just continue to tell her that “I'm all ears”, first things first I told her she can sleep-over if she wants & I was only worried of where she’d be going when the morning comes. When she started explaining why she came-over my mind went on a blackout & only to wake up with her sleeping in my arms on the very sofa where it all begun, I mean these no-strings attached relationship. It was the first time we ever spend the whole night together, that very morning I had to go for soccer training with my boys & I was expecting them to pick me up from my apartment. I had to wake her up & get ready for the boys but immediately when she woke she went straight to her purse to show me something, she pulled out yellow plastic bag which looked like it had a towel in it & when she pulled everything out only R200 notes fell on my floor. You know that scary exciting moment where you want to ask questions but you really can’t? I was there, I mean if she had that much money then why she said she had no place to stay that’s what I asked. “Do you trust me?” she asked, looking right into my eyes as if she could see my thoughts and honestly I didn't know what to say.

An hour later there was a knock on my door, it was one of those loud knocks that sounded like one of my drunk friends & without asking who it was I just yelled “Come in if you are not lost or selling”. To my surprised it was a gentleman I never saw in my life, clean-shaved guy so tall he didn't fit through the door without bending. He asked if I was alone & only then I realized he was a cop, he introduced himself as Investigating Officer Baloyi & he said he was looking for the Mayor’s daughter. “That lady is in trouble & we heard you kept her in your house meaning you are also in trouble”, when he softly explained the reasons of him being there. I couldn't speak because only then I was trying to figure out if he was in the right place, how would I know unless I call her to come through to the door from the sitting room. “Is this the Mayor’s daughter sir?”, I asked Mr Baloyi & that’s when she responded “yes I am” and at that very moment my thoughts ran wild. Here I thought she was a married woman or maybe engaged, but she was the daughters Mayor. I turned to the officer to ask “what did she do sir?”, “nothing” responded the officer and added by saying she’s been gone from home for over a week now. The Mayor had already opened a case of missing persons, when the officer was trying to explain to me the whole story she sprung out of the house like a mad man then the officer ran after her. As surprised as I was I realized that assumptions are all I ever had & now curiosity took over me, when I went back to the house I found that she left her phone & the money behind.

The Morning After

"Hush, don't say a word 

I can't even explain what I'm feeling 

Feeling, lying next to you 

Ooh feels so good 

Don't let the words ruin the moment 

Please don't say nothing 

I know you might feel guilty babe 

Don't let the mind do the speaking 

Just let the heart do the leading 

Cause we gave each other what we both wanted 

Look what we've started"

Honestly we just had one too many drinks and well, oooops.
I mean we both just met a few hours ago, started talking and dancing, got some shots and had a late dinner, the infamous burger and chips. Last I remember we were eating and walking, next thing we were back at my place. You went straight for the bed and I took the couch, wasn't really sure how to go about it at first, then I decided to join you and you made space for me and I held you in my arms. We caught our self staring at each other and as I proceeded to kiss you, you reciprocated by meeting me halfway, we laughed after we kissed. After some heavy breathing and soft gentle touches, one thing left to the next and we woke up in the morning with smiles on our faces. And yes for those that are a bit slow , we did the deed. Now as we lay in bed, sober, you without make up on, we were both in our baby suits and felt a bit funny about the whole situation.

She then asked me if I was seeing anyone?.....
I paused for a minute I had to make sure I responded tactically cause it's a very dangerous question to ask someone The Morning After. So I tried being smart and answered: Yes i'm seeing someone , i'm seeing you right now. She laughed and Said: I mean are you dating anyone? So I asked her what she wanted for breakfast? We got dressed and went out for breakfast. She was a funny young lady very smart and beautiful but yeah it is what it is. As we left the restaurant after breakfast I asked her where she was going after, and she said she was going back to the flat with me, " Shit I had to think quick on my feet, going home with me naaaah aaaaah baby girl" Told her i'm going to Johannesburg to go visit a friend, she said it's cool we can go together, " F&*^ this girl couldn't take a hint" told her it's a boys thing so she said ok cool and that I should call her when I came back "I never saw her again"

looking back at the whole thing I guess we should have spoken before we did the deed so that we were both on the same page. I often reflect on what would have happened if I called and saw her again. Honestly I don't really regret not calling. I am a douchebag right? I should have called, such is life. Moving right along. 

The Side Chick Syndrome

To start of this topic I thought it's best I embark on a journey on the interweb and find some definitions from all over the world, i'm sure you also have your own definition of a " Side Chick "

*  A female that is neither a male's wife or girlfriend who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship
* A position allocated to a girl which is neither a wifey or a girlfriend but a side dish like nandos rice
* The girl a guy cheats on his girlfriend with because she's better in bed. Not always a bad thing to the girl and guy, just society

My definition: A side chick is someone with whom you have sex with occasionally because the sex is  really good but you do not want to leave your current partner. I guess for most of us half a loaf of bread is better than nothing hey. It's morally pressumptious of me to assume my definition but in retrospect I still believe it to be true. Most of us boys/girls our self esteem has been beaten to the ground and stamped on for so much, for so long that we do not think we deserve better than what we currently have. I can confidently say there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, you do not have to stoop so low just to get someones attention. This thing of sex partners and what not is not on. We need as a society to get back to the old ways, shit who am I kidding getting the milk and not having to deal with the drama is awesome I admit it.

Look I am not advocating for irrational behavior but the simple fact that you can have sex with someone without any emotional attachments and drama sounds good to me. And yet its wrong, it's almost as if we can't decide whether to do what is simple or what is right by our woman. For me the following lyrics wraps everything up nicely taken from a song by: Daughter - Youth.

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

" Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love " Unknown

Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

Im scared to love you
If I know one thing about you is that you are very good at walking away so I know you can do that at any time when this gets boring again
Here I am standing in the middle of it all
Looking like a fool but I don't care my mind is made up
Its you I love but you are bad for me
Your presence in my life results in nothing but pain but still damn girl I can't get enough of you
Einstein once said : Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results well he wasn't in love like I was .
So unlike that other time my eyes are wide open and I'm watching you
I'm watching you real close
I should probably walk away but I love you girl and it is just not enough
I deserve better if not for me then for my future
I'm worth more than just a second chance
A back up when the first choice ran off with your heart like you did mine
I hate the way you make me feel
I hate myself for how I feel about you
So here we go again
And I know very well when you say you miss me I'm not the only one

Fifty Shades Of Sunnyside

It was a Saturday morning just after 8 am, I just came back from a party
on my way to get breakfast, I looked like shit I mean considering the fact that I just woken up and got dropped of by my place
I knew I was hungry but I wasn't sure if I had enough to get something to eat, as I searched I found a few notes which were enough for coffee and a burger with chips
Had my meal and back to the flat I went.
She was walking down and I walking up the street, she was looking fly and oh my she got me hooked line and sink right there and then. So I went over we had a little chat
and spoke about visiting each other, she said she would see me later that day.
So there we were at my flat after some wine, snacks, music playing the whole setup was romantic to say the least.

I won't lie she had some serious booty, she was packing and I couldn't believe it was all mine for even just for that one night
I got excited and as we undressed I thought to myself what if I cum to quickly and just how tight is her pussy, I slipped my fingers inside her panties to feel the wetness on
my hand as I reached deeper with my fingers she moaned like a good little girl. I couldn't put both my fingers inside, had to settle for the one finger that is when I realized
just how tight she was down there.

At this point I'm panting and so ready for her seeing as she's already wet but my mind is also curious as to how tight she may be, wondering if I might hurt her,
I really didn't want anything to go wrong.

I decided to put myself out of the misery and just go for it, slowly I took off the last piece of clothing she had on, I must say even her underwear was just as sexy...
As I lifted her legs up and went on top of her, she moaned in that sexy kinda way that makes a man feel like his doing everything right, I slowly went inside her,
trying so hard to be gentle, but as I pushed myself inside her she moaned again and this time I realized that it was a little different, sounded like she was in pain...
I decided to kiss her and pushed inside yet again this time around she moaned a little louder and I was sure that it was the kind that indicated that she was indeed in pain...
I asked her if she wanted to continue and she said she was in pain and just wanted me to hold her...Even as hard as I was I knew I couldn't have her that night,
so I obliged and  gave the lady what she has asked for, we slept with me holding her tight in my arms with a hard on of course but there was something about having her I my
arms that felt so special..

Mig33 My First Love.

Many of us have lost the magic in social media
Remember the days of Mig33 lol those were the days
FYI: That is where the name xinkwa came from, Mig33 was the first chat app that I knew about back in the days. And I had just got the then smartphone the Motorola V360 damn I miss that phone
And I loved the bluetooth function because of 1 particular thing "porn" hahahaha i'm serious I didn't even use Bluetooth for anything else.
There phones were not USB compatible with a PC so you couldn't load pictures and music like today but that wasn't for long because things changed drastically when BlackBerry came to our lives
Anyways back to social media . Back to Mig33.
I never felt so alive more than when I was on Mig33, I talked to people all over South Africa and actually made a real connection.
Remember just how much we used to send each other photos, selfies have been around for a very long time.  I used to have folders of pictures of girls, don't ask me why it was just cool at that time I guess.
My point here is that we used to actually communicate with each other, with people from all walks of life and as long as you had airtime you never really felt lonely as a teenager, there was always people to talk to and they responded and were not too full of themselves. Ok even though Mxit came along I never really was active on it. Mig33 was my jam.
Social media is different these days, people don't really connect anymore. It's all about likes, shares and comments people don't really talk to each other, it's like being alone in a room full of people.

We have lost the magic in Social media. We have become our own worse enemies. We have isolated ourselves so much. We have built so many circles and are involved in so many groups that before we interact with people we first put on a face for that particular group of people. We have lost our authenticity and uniqueness, everyone either agrees with the most popular opinion or they have nothing to say. People are scared to have their own voice. We are more intrigued by trends than what we like personally.

Pride and Acceptance

One of the lessons I have learned in my life especially as a man is: Asking for help when you need some.
Most of us are told while growing up that we should not cry, as it is a sign of weakness.
Man don't cry they soldier on.
Even when it hurts they keep marching on
Even when it is painful they keep going
That's what man do.

I remember the day I became a man. I have great relationship with my father and I always looked up to him financially speaking. That is I lived off him, hey don't judge most you still do. Let me get to my point so this one time as I always do, I asked him for some money [ given that he just gave me cash a week back nor less] so my expectations as usual are that his going to drop everything he is doing and go send his baby boy some cash. This is how the conversation went. So I called and asked for cash, he responded with a question, he asked vukosi are you a man? I mean I just turned 20 something so I felt like I was a man, little did I know why he was asking me that question and I replied "yes I am a man". He said " ok, well a man makes a plan " and that was the last time we had a conversation about money. Looking back at event i'm very thankful he did that. I am very thankful that he saw me as a man and treated me like one.

I find it difficult to call my parents, family or friends to ask for help. I have come to rely on myself so much that I for a while didn't seem to value friendships and people around me because I was to dependent on myself for everything and I expected nothing from anyone else.
I stopped calling some people and didn't return some missed calls
I just didn't really find value in keeping in touch basically

I think I kinda missed the lesson my dad was teaching me
As time passed I started "tried" to be more involved in what my family and friends get up to and start being friendly if you can call it that.
Having your financial freedom should not get into your head that you begin to think that you don't need people around you
When you pocket becomes bigger so does your head
You just start being a little selfish and it feels as if you don't really care

I would rather grab a beer with some friends any day than to spend the whole night in a club with bottles and no one to share them with. The girls we meet don't really count, when you don't have money for drinks they don't even see you. The only person i'm in competition with is the man in the mirror the only person I try to be better than is the man in the mirror. We need to start taking care of each other, say hi to a few people, I promise it won't hurt. Get out of your comfort zone and breath the same air as other people.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word .

One of the hardest things to say is i'm sorry
Admitting you are wrong goes far beyond words and concepts
The words I am sorry can prevent alot of pain and the absence of such a word can create so much pain
We have given it a lot of authority
We have given it too much power
But sometimes when you have messed up a good thing or did something that you knew at the back of your mind was wrong and you still did it anyways
That's us human beings we can be very selfish sometimes
In saying sorry you heal not only yourself but the person you have wronged
I want to say i'm sorry for the decision I made but don't get me wrong, how do I put this without sounding like a complete dog
Im sorry for the decision I made got you feeling the way you feel about me and us
i'm sorry I hurt you
i'm sorry I gave up on you but it was a decision I made for myself
and I am prepared to leave with that decision , I just want you to be free from it
wasn't so hard was it , sorry
I'm not sorry I made the decision , I 'm sorry about the consequences my decision has had in our lives
I thought I was doing the best I could
So Vukosi Tshuketana I forgive you for all the chances you didn't take
For all the times you got there too late
For all the times you couldn't swallow your pride and ask for help
For all the bad and all the decisions you made
For all the good ones you let pass you by
For all the times you went next door because you thought the grass was greener
And for all the little and big things you should have done and never got around to doing them
I forgive you .

In the end....

Save your tears and applause
Save your compliments and criticism
Save your hello and goodbye
Save you hot and cold

It seems as if for all actions there are appropriate reactions
For all the ups there and downs
Seems like good can't exist without evil
For all the positives there are negatives

Words , its amazing how they affect us
If I told you how beautiful and smart your look , you just up like a yoyo with excitement
And if I told you how unattractive and stupid you look , you get angry and reserved
Human beings are like toys , you can put them up or put them down just by saying a few things and they react

Most of us just exist for deaths sake
We just are
We do not lack nor do we want anything more out of life
We are just contemp with just being
Following the trends and traditions that have been put alongside us
Doing things the way they have always been done
Most of us don't want to reinvent the wheel
We don't wanna be the creators, we just want to consume what is there and when it is finished we cry for more
What is this more that we want , we don't really know

First few years of our lives we do everything we possibly can do to avoid hunger and loneliness
We raise children
We seat back and wait for death to come our way
We reminisce on old times and memories shared
All the love ones that came our way and left
All the events and dates that we can never forget

In the end the only thing we all have in common regardless of our culture , religion , age , gender , nationality, qualifications , the only true thing we all truly have in common is death itself

"At the understanding that life is not going to take you back. You are the world you have created. And when you cease to exist, this world that you have created will also cease to exist. But for those with the understanding that they're living the last days of the world, death acquires a different meaning. The extinction of all reality is a concept no resignation can encompass. And then, all the grand designs and all the grand plans will be finally exposed and revealed for what they are."

Almost done ......

In that space between doing the norm and doing what you want
I'm tired of following "normal" let me try this being unique thing and see for myself as to what it can do for me
You know when you have those random moments when your mind is busy wondering around and when you wanna write down those thoughts its as if they just disappear
Whenever I start writing that's when I become blank
You know how we always say next year i'm gonna do this , i'm gonna do that
I'm not having any of those this year , no no mam
I'm gonna do me , I should probably write down some goals
My biggest goal was to reach a quarter of a century without becoming a dad
I know its an odd goal to have right , well that's what I always wanted years later now my biggest fear is having kids late in life
You know that place you think you will know when you get there at a certain time
When you start making the kind of money you wanna make and what not
I believe that place is a myth
unless if you have written down goals and a plan on reaching that particular destination everything else is visage
Most of us don't know what we want until we lose it and the lucky few get to have it back and get to keep it whilst the rest of us only realize at a later stage just what we had and its too late the fat lady has not only sang but she packed up and is performing somewhere else
I have always been content with the little i have
I never really thought bigger and faster or more , if I had enough then it was good enough for me
I came to a point in fact I came to a realization that it's more than just me in this wonderful and dangerously pretentious world we leave in
That the decisions I make not only affect me but a lot of other people as well and i'm ok with that
I have come to the point not of selfishness but a point where I love me more , in all honest the only true person in you life who wants and loves you and will never leave your side nor can you run out of favor with is the man in the mirror . If you take good care of him he will do the same for you
in the words of a great infamous president : " It's not that we don't love you , no we love ourselves more than we love you "